i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
