who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
