Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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