I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
