i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
