I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
