the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
