got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
