he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
