$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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