my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
