anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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