My friends, they love my intelligence
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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