i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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