Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
