I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
