If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
