my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
