It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
