Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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