I just cut my nipple shaving
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
