Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
