Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
