dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She told me I should be a condom model.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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