you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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