i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
