totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
