dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
