Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
