The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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