you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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