she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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