How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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