Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
