I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
