i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
