I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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