I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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