I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
