Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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