Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
