i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
