So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
