Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize