There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
