the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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