no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
