Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize