She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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