she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
