....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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