im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
