I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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