Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
