So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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