Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
