Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
