Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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