I wanna bring you to show and tell
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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