I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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