listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
