oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
