Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
