Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Drunk is not a location!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
