i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
