the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
