the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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