then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
