this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
