ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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