I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
