A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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